


I Found That You Were Missing

by IdentityRedacted



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Body Dysphoria, F/F, Fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-19
Updated: 2017-05-31
Packaged: 2018-07-25 12:10:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7532227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IdentityRedacted/pseuds/IdentityRedacted
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cosima Niehaus is a stressed out sophomore struggling to find a hold on her life. With a fresh school year underway, she begins to navigate her sexuality, gender, and struggles to determine her self-worth in the tense social stratosphere of high school. She soon develops a friendship with a fellow student and learns that she isn't the only one battling through their adolescent years. </p><p>This year will be a whirlwind but maybe this time she won't suffer the casualties alone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Hall Accident

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!

**_Doleson Memorial High School_**  
**Early September, 1999**

Cosima haughtily shoved her schedule back into her rucksack in dreadful anticipation of the first period bell. She glanced at the clock at the end of the hallway. In a few minutes another school day would begin. She threw her ‘Exploratory Spanish’ textbook into her rucksack while attempting to keep the cascade of study notes from escaping her cubbyhole of a locker. 

She had Sr. Bellivue first thing. _Nothing better to wake me up than Spanish grammar on this bright and early morning_ , she thought.

Spanish III Honors. There was not a single cell in her body that did not detest that class completely. Cosima had found no use for it and being in Sr. Bellivue’s class was painful. His perky Southwest European lilt was the main cause for aggravation. It was the equivalent to listening to nails on a chalkboard. She was amused at his confidence as he slaughtered the entirety of the Spanish language one lesson at a time.

She only had the short walk from her locker to the language wing to build up the required amount of toleration for the agonizing class that was ahead.

Cosima dreaded the halls almost as much as she hated Spanish class. She walked faster than average and it was made difficult by the looming students who grazed the hallways, stalling to get to their classes. They chatted in perfect circles with their peers. Cosima picked up snippets of conversation. "Where were you last night?" and "You won't believe how dumb Jake's acting. He's being, like, so unfair." A melody entered her head.

"[Little boxes](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2_2lGkEU4Xs) _on the hillside,  
Little boxes made of ticky tacky _,"__

_Ticky tacky_ , she thought. _That's all we are_.

Lockers crashed and students coolly strode in late. She glanced into other classes and saw people begin to take their seats. She meticulously weaved through the crowd and looked to cross to the other side of the hallway when the impending doom of Spanish class hit her again.

_It’s only an hour_. She sighed. _There's a green one and a pink one and blue one and a_ –

THUNK. “Woah. Sorry.” She hadn’t even noticed the girl pacing toward her. Her binder full of papers stacked on top of a pile of textbooks diffused across the ground upon their charged impact.

“I totally didn’t see you there.” Cosima said as she helped the girl gather her homework off the ground. Students briskly paced past them and paid no heed.

“Oh, it’s fine.” The girl replied. “Don’t worry about it.” She smiled, frantically trying to gather her things. By the time Cosima had slid her glasses back onto her face the girl had strode away, presumably toward her first period class. Cosima could only make a few ringlets of goldenrod hair as the girl made her way down the hall.

Cosima gathered herself off the ground and straightened her glasses as she walked across the hall to Sr. Bellivue's room.

_What a great start to my morning._ She pictured the girl frenziedly rushing toward her class. The girl was probably going to be late because of her.

“¡Buenas días, clase! Saquen sus tarea y preparan para repasarlo.” Sr. Bellivue’s voice boomed with glee.

“Shit.” Cosima mumbled under her breath. She knew she had forgotten something important.

A few students who understood his esoteric pronouncement began shuffling things around on their desks while others reached into their backpacks. A majority ogled him icily.

“Your homework, students.”

The class roused in realization. A myriad of “Ohhh”s came from the mass. “Nobody can understand him” someone protested. “They don’t even talk like that in Spain” said a student flippantly as the class dug out their assignments. Many continued to voice their indignation.

Sr. Bellivue was already making his daily rounds to check for homework by the time Cosima had gotten to her seat near the back of the room. She quickly racked her brain to think of an excuse or find a friend to bail her out and give her their homework to copy. But she had remembered that this was one of the few periods she had without her friends. She scoped her neighbors for a merciful savior but they all glared at her liked a hapless delinquent.  _So much for student solidarity_ , she thought. She was just going to have to take the F for her homework this time.

Cosima noticed that it always seemed like things were smooth sailings for her peers when everything crashed and burned for her.

She had already committed to zoning out to Sr. Bellivue’s droning when in walked a taller than average blonde girl with perfectly groomed curls, clinquant chestnut eyes, and slender legs that seemed stretch a mile. Her curls bounced in synchronized tempo with the mellow flowing of her body movements.

“A note from Ms. Henlee.” She said with a vibrant grin as she sauntered up to Sr. Bellivue and handed him the note before turning to leave.

_Just another overachieving track star_. Cosima scoffed to herself when in a purely chimerical moment, the girl made swift eye contact with her. It was petrifying yet sent a chill vibration through her body. She quickly grabbed the pencil at the edge of her desk for distraction and by the time she looked up again the other girl was gone. The crashing realization came upon her that she was the very girl she had run into just a few minutes prior. There went the prospect of paying attention for the rest of the period.

Cosima smiled to herself as Sr. Bellivue entered the abyss of linguistic mundanity and began his daily drawl. Maybe she’d see the girl again if luck was on her side.

 


	2. Conflict of Two Felt by One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> 

**Late Spring, 2000**

It was one of those days where Cosima preferred not to be cramped inside a stuffy building. Students filed past one another, zooming by like cars on a freeway. They were en route to their prospective classes, Lunch for some, Algebra for others, Yearbook for a select few who actually cared about the school. Delphine had told her to meet her at her hidden hideaway behind the soccer field.

The afternoon was cool and hazy. On the grass they lay on their backs, watching the sky as clouds glided in lethargic dances. The wind pricked the hair on Cosima's arms giving her faint goosebumps. She welcomed them. They were like tiny gifts, a tangible manifestation of the homeostasis within her body.

"You always take refuge outside?" Cosima asked. The muted clatter of gangly trees roused by the wind posed as a soundtrack to their rendezvous.

"I like the stillness. And the quiet. Plus I usually finish my TA work early so whenever I have extra time I come out here. No one's ever here during school hours."

They soaked in each other's company in the pregnant silence as Delphine absentmindedly fondled the loose waves of hair that lay around the curvature of Cosima’s face.

“Delphine?” Cosima asked. “Mhmm?” She replied,

 _So, I don’t know if you could tell but I’ve had this massive crush on you for like, ever_. Of course she wouldn’t actually say it. That would be deplorable.

Delphine continued to play with Cosima’s hair, impervious to her inner turmoil.

"Cosima," Delphine urged. "What was it?"

"Oh it's nothing. Just something stupid I was thinking". Delphine had barely even been paying attention to Cosima's coverup nonetheless. 

_I guessed_ , was what she had anticipated Delphine saying.

 _Oh, really_?She would say back, relieved by her words. _That makes me feel a little better_. She laughed nervously.

“What’s so funny?”

“Oh, I uh, just really like when you play with my hair.”

“I like it. It’s wavy but not too wavy. Like ocean waves. But like closer to low tide.” Delphine wrapped a thin section around her finger before delicately unwinding it. "I could never get mine to be this tame."

"I see nothing wrong with that." Delphine smiled back reticently.

She felt an arresting draw to Delphine, being this close to her. It was like what Mr. Sallis had said about Elastic Potential Energy. That was a lesson in Physics she initially found hard to fathom. How could an object have so much energy compressed into it yet not act on it?

Cosima’s bangles clanged as she reached her arm around Delphine's waist. “You know how—certain people come into your life and it's not until you've spent so much time with them that—that you realize they're there. Like physically with you. And it’s like part of them has become you. I feel that way with you.” [I’d waste all my time on you](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3jtT_c5Zb9E).

Delphine reached out to stroke Cosima’s cheek. She closed her eyes and lifted her chin to meet Delphine's touch.

“You’re a very special person, Cosima. To me.”

She let that sink in. She meant something to someone now. Then a thought crept up on her.

 _How did we get here_?

The bustling branches shook fervently, echoing an idle response.


	3. Fata Morgana

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Any comments would be deeply appreciated!!

**Early September 1999**

_She wasn’t going to attempt to describe it. That would make it more real._  
_The sensation._  
_It was mesmerizing and entirely petrifying; the loss of control followed by an instant flash of heat._           
_She hated it. The fascination with them that ran through her_ _. S_ _he was never conscious of it until it was over. Did she really like them in that way_? _She knew it was only ever happening with—_

“Hey? Hey? Cosima, snap out of it.”

The buzzes around her settled into a hectic cacophony of sound. Doleson Memorial High School during lunch time was an orchestra. Kids filed in and threw their bagged lunches down at pre-selected tables. Others headed toward the lunch line. Clashing stenches of processed gunk lingered in the air. A kid smashed his tray on the table eagerly snickering at his skater pals' crude joke.

It snapped Cosima out of her reverie. “Huh, what?” It was Theo. At least Cosima still called him that.

“Oh, sorry. I was daydreaming again.”

“Yeah, more than usual. What’s up?" He eyed her lunch skeptically. "You gonna eat that?”

Cosima looked down at her greasy chicken patty on a soggy, ill looking wheat bun. “Uh, I don’t know. I just have a lot on my mind, Thee.”

“You know I don’t go by that anymore.” He shuffled his salad around in the transparent container.

“Sorry, I forgot.”

“Yeah, you’ve been doing a lot of that lately.” He vehemently stabbed a pepper with his fork before wiggling it off again.

“Okay, I missed gaming group last week but that was one time. You seriously gonna hold it against me?"

He shrugged petulantly and continued tossing around his food.

“What? Is it in the zeitgeist now to ditch your first name in favor of shorter one? Wait, I get it. It’s the alliteration. _Scott Smith_. You're right, it really rolls right off the tongue.”

“More so than Theodoore.” He gave her a pointed look. “Anyway, Scott’s my middle name. It’s not like I chose it.”

“Well, no we aren't really in control of those things.”

“And I'm not sure if you noticed, but the name 'Theodoore' gives off a “my mother picks out my outfits” vibe.”

“Right, and that would be a total travesty because she stopped doing that last week.” Cosima grinned to herself cheekily. 

His brief slim-eyed glare read ‘touche’. “So, you coming today? Liam’s bringing _Settlers_.” He raised his eyebrows in anticipation of Cosima's excitement.

“Yeah.” She raised part of her sandwich.

“So you’ll come?”

“Yeah. No. Maybe, I don’t know. I think I’m gonna go vegetarian.” She was thinking out loud although she had been pondering over the idea recently. She pulled out a comic book from her bag to keep herself from drifting back into the introspective internal monologue she was having moments ago.

“Is that the new installment?” Theo raised his chin toward the book.

“Mhmm.” She flipped through the pages until she got to where she left off .

“So why vegetarianism?” She dwelt upon the question as he softly munched his lettuce.

“Well it’s better for the environment," Theo nodded in accordance. "And I just feel obligated to, you know.”

“But you’ve been eating meat your whole life.”

“I know. That’s my problem.” She got up and tossed her sandwich in the garbage. 

"I”m going to the library. I’ll see you later.”

“So you’ll come to group?” She got up as another friend set his stuff down next to him. 

She turned around to tell him she'd call but they were already engaged in blissful conversation. 

With that she pushed against the cafeteria doors in escape for the tranquility of school library, prospective company accepted.


	4. Meeting Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote this almost a year ago haha

**September 1999** , Immediately After Lunch 

The clamor of the cafeteria settled into quiet as Cosima entered the hallway. She made her way up the stairs two at a time, intending to spend the last few minutes of her lunch period at the library. Maybe she could get a headstart on her homework and mentally prepare herself for her next class. She was on her second flight of stairs when a neon orange paper caught her eye. She picked up the crumpled flyer.

 _Interested in Astronomy and cool videos about our vast solar system? Come join GALAXY CLUB located in Mr. Gerardo’s room. Meetings held every tuesday at 2:30. New members are always welcome!_ It read. 

She studied the flyer as she walked down the hall.

“So you’re interested?” A girl stood near the wall equipped with a roll of tape and a pile of the same neon paper.

“Oh uh, it was on the ground so....” She handed the flyer back to the girl.

“Thanks,” The girl smiled at her. “At least you didn’t just, like, stamp over it.”

Cosima laughed nervously. “No worries.” She began to walk away.

“Cosima, right?”

“Yeah.” She turned around bemusedly. “Wait, I’m sorry, you’re the girl I rammed into the other day? I’m such a bumbling idiot. I have like, no spatial awareness—”

“No, it’s fine and totally not your fault. I was actually in quite a rush. I don’t know what I was thinking” She said, turning around to tape another flyer on the wall. “Do you mind?” The girl handed the pile of loose fliers to Cosima. Cosima watched her, painfully ruminating over their klutzy first encounter. They traveled down the hall, Cosima passed her the papers as she tapped them along the wall. “So, Mr. Gerardo told me you’d be an eager member.” Delphine said.

Cosima stared at her in a daze.

“For Galaxy Club.” She jiggled the loose flyer in her hand.

“Oh right.” Cosima said, absentmindedly thinking over the other girl's words. She was entranced by her toned arms and svelte torso. Her movements flowed so seamlessly. Cosima never met someone who was in such command of their body.

“Yeah, we basically just geek out over Astronomy for an hour and a half. Occasionally we take trips to the Science Museum and check out some of their exhibits. My Dad’s the head supervisor of the planetarium there.” She raised her eyebrows excitedly. “So we get perks. ”

Cosima felt a buzz run throughout her body as she spoke. She spoke with such fluidity that it put Cosima in a trance. Her voice had a faint undertone in her voice as well; perhaps she was bilingual. Which Cosima found extremely attractive.

“That–that’s super cool.”

“Yeah. You should come check it out. You’re really into science right?”

“I mean, yeah but mostly just physics and chemistry right now.”

“So you’re a hard science gal, I like that.”

She bumbled out a short laugh. “Yeah I’m not too serious about it or anything. So when on Tuesdays do you guys meet? You guys today, actually, I just realized."

“We usually start at 2:30. But feel free to come right after the bell if you'd liked. Or drop in whenever. You know, it's still pretty lax write. We're trying to gain our following still you know.”

“It’s sounds awesome. I’ll definitely keep it in mind.”

“I’m Delphine, by the way.” That wasn’t what she was expecting. The girl reached out her hand and shook her hand like Cosima was her prospective boss.

“C-Cool. So I guess I’ll see you around?”

“Maybe. My friends say I’m very illusive.

Cosima humored her perplexedly.

“Jokes.”

“Right, right.” She was unaware of how vibrantly she was grinning.

She turned to leave, giddy from their interaction. Maybe the club would finally be a space for her. It would be nice to have a calm day in place of the free hollers and stench of sweat that was her friends’ gaming group. And the air condition would be a plus.

She wouldn’t mind seeing Delphine again.


	5. Body Dysphoria and Close Encounters

**October, 2000**

Up or down? Up? Or down. Up. Or. Down.

Cosima groaned with aggravation, tying and untying her hair into a low ponytail. Some days she wanted to tie it up and others she wanted it to flow in front of her face. But gravity wasn’t on her side on the days she leaned more toward tying it up and out of her face.

Today she was wearing long sleeved baseball tee, her mom would definitely eyeball her for scaling back the femininity in her wardrobe as of late. She felt more comfortable this way. Her parents could judge her all they want. They would just have to deal with it. Still, could never get herself to look right. She lightly tugged the baggy t-shirt away from her chest. She felt it would fit a lot better if she didn’t have one.

And her glasses. They were dark, square, and slightly thin with rounded edges.

When she first got them late in Middle School, she admired them. This subtle addition to her face made her feel like a new person. But now they felt more like a burden.

Maybe she’d try out contacts.

She heard the cliche phrases that said being a teen was the hardest age. But no one ever explained why. No one ever said she’d start to find an enemy in her body. That she would avoid mirrors whenever she went into bathrooms. And hate showering. That acne would be painful. And her body would grow in places she least wished them to.

She couldn’t seem to find a style that fit her. She mostly wore hand-me-downs and clothes she bought years ago that still happened to fit her. She could ask her parents to give her money to buy some new outfits but why waste perfectly good clothing? They were fine to her at least.

“Cosima?” She heard her parent’s faint yet carrying call from down the hall. “You ready for school yet?” “I’m going, I’m going!” She yelled back. “You’re going to be late.” They called back.

She shoved last night’s work from her desk into her rucksack before grabbing her helmet and heading out the door.

She scrambled downstairs quickly to the kitchen to prepare herself a quick breakfast. She got some frozen fruit from the freezer, a banana from the counter, and almond milk from the fridge and blended them for a few seconds to make a quick fruit smoothie. Cosima poured the concoction into tumbler, practically the once piece of plastic she had in her kitchen. She had insisted her parents buy it for her solely so she could eat breakfast on the go. They were sticklers for the environment; in this house, Tupperware was a dirty word (BPA was literally melting our ice caps) and mixing trash with recycling would probably earn her a week’s grounding. She haphazardly rinsed the pitcher and put the ingredients back so her parents wouldn’t hassle her on the messes she was so prone to making.

 _Keys. Wallet. Breakfast…. Helmet!_ Making mental lists only ever worked to her advantage. She grabbed her helmet, smoothie, slipped on her rucksack and headed out the door.

 

Cosima was glad the weather had gotten warmer again. Biking to school was so freeing. Everything was peaceful, calm, and crisp. She’d noticed the same subtleties en route to school every morning. The rhythm of the chains her bike emitted brought a wave of nostalgia over her from when she first learned to ride. First with her parents, then with her friends. She missed going on bike rides with her gaming buddies. But now, they only ever went to greasy pizza joints or niche comic book shops. Cosima was growing much too tired of it and needed a change. She needed new people to hang out with.

As she rode passed her neighbor's house, Her neighbor's two pugs ran right up to the fence and always gave her a small boof in passing. The same cars parked, newer cars moving. The same neighbors leaving to drive or walk to catch the train to work. She mentally went through all the classes she would have today. She had done her homework last night, at least what was important.

She was counting over the houses when someone familiar caught her eye. Delphine? She whispered under her breath. Delphine was leaving a house with a woman who looked entirely like her in structure but differed from her greatly in the face. Since when did Delphine live this close to her? She quickly snapped her head back to focus on the road so as to not catch Delphine’s eye. Cosima knew Delphine would think her odd and geeky if she saw her biking to school. She couldn’t help but turn back as she saw Delphine entering the car, relieved that Delphine would get to school before her.

Awkward encounter: avoided.


	6. Another Coming Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Comments, suggestions, and any form of feedback is appreciated!! Thanks for reading !!!

**Near the End of the School Year, 2000**

They were in Cosima’s room again. It was amazing how different the atmosphere was from when Delphine was last here. It seemed like eons ago although only mere months had passed. Helping Delphine through that night was fraught for Cosima. But everything came second nature. Delphine was going through something difficult and relied on Cosima to help her through it. She could tell Delphine was still recovering and coming to terms with the revelation herself by how quiet and introspective she was around her lately.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Cosima asked. “No. I’m fine” was Delphine’s surefire response. “Liar.” Cosima would retort back eliciting some form of endearment from Delphine.

Cosima was glad to know that Delphine’s parents had grown to become more accepting of them being together. Of them being alone together. Her parents had come a long way since arguing that night driving Delphine to seek refuge at Cosima’s own home.

They were watching Freaks and Geeks on the TV. It was a Friday, which meant that it was one of the few days their parents would let them hang out as there would be no school the next day. They had walked home together right after school to ensure they could spend the maximum amount of time together. Delphine liked this. Just being with Cosima. No one else was there to influence how they interacted with one another. They were free to be themselves authentically.

They were both sitting at the foot of Cosima’s bed. Every few minutes Cosima would reach over to the bowl in Delphine’s lap, take an overloaded handful of granola, and shove it into her mouth. Here she was. The girl Delphine was in love with. 

Delphine watched her movement. Sounds of a Hollywood high school came softly from the TV.

 “What?” Cosima said through a mouthful of granola. “I’m hungry. I totally forgot to eat lunch today and-”

“Cosima,” Delphine cut her off. “It’s okay. I just,” Delphine, blushing struggled for words.

“Awww,” Cosima cooed. Cosima wrapped her arm around Delphine’s shoulder and hugged her, pressing their cheeks up against each other. “You’re so cute. I would kiss you right now but I have, like, oats in my teeth.” Delphine froze for a fraction of a second at Cosima’s confession. Cosima handled romance, or at least the thought of it, so well; something Delphine was never able to do herself.

Delphine reached over and grabbed Cosima’s hand. She toyed with it, enveloped it in hers and kissed it. Cosima kissed Delphine’s hand back.

“Hey,” Cosima said as she was examining the back of Delphine’s hand. “How come you never let me kiss you?”

Delphine was quiet. She was only at a loss for words because Cosima was right.

“Well you let me do this,” Cosima kissed her hand again. “But you never let me like,” She gesticulated, “Kiss you, kiss you. And I really want to. Like all the time”. Cosima looked plainly back at Delphine. Cosima looked accepting but let down.

“I’m sorry I,” Delphine tried to explain herself. “I’m just not great with romance.” She looked down, defeated. Then she broke into a small laugh. “It actually kinda scares me. I think,” She stopped herself. “I think I’m asexual.”

Cosima, mildly confused, leaned her head back against the foot of the bed. “But you’re like hella gay. And I take it you mean something far different from what I learned in Honors Bio."

“Ha-ha. Very funny." Delphine replied sardonically, covering up her nerves in speaking about this new realization. I mean I do tend to feel more attraction toward girls and people with feminine traits.” Delphine struggled to articulate her thoughts but Cosima still nodded, following along. “But I just don’t feel sexual attraction to them. It’s more like platonic, sensual, and aesthetic attraction. And with you," She cuddled closer to Cosima. I want to be closer to you I just don’t know what I’m comfortable with, you know?”

Cosima rubbed wide circles across Delphine's back as she began to soak in this new information. “It’s totally OK. No, I understand better now. Wait.” Cosima got up excitedly. “I know a bit about that actually. I’ve seen a couple YouTube videos on asexuality.” She recalled. “I have the perfect thing for us.”

Delphine sat there nervous, but trusting of what Cosima had in store for her. Cosima was supportive without fail. She loved that about her. This basis of their relationship was sure to never falter. Whatever is was that Cosima was going to show her, Delphine knew it would make her feel warm and comfortable, two emotions she always felt when she was her. _Wow_. Delphine thought to herself. _I truly am in love with this girl_. 


End file.
